The essence of philosophy is this: start with something so simple that it seems unworthy of formulation, and end with something so paradoxical that no one is ready to believe it.
It's not true that life is one damn abomination after another; in fact, it is one continuous damn abomination that keeps on stretching and stretching.
Traditionalists are pessimists about the future and optimists about the past.
If a pickpocket meets a saint, he sees only his pockets.
Progress is achieved on Fridays, but only every other time.
If you once did something well and correctly, then there will certainly be a person who will ask you to do it again.
If there are only three social events that deserve your attention over the course of several months, they will all fall on the same evening.
To get the enemy, do someone a good deed.
Never go to bed with someone who is even more insane than yourself.
People usually get what they've been sent ... unless it was mailed.
Don't worry about how to avoid temptations - as you get older, they will start to avoid you.
Nothing in the part of the universe we know travels faster than a phony check.
Nothing would ever be done at all if all possible objections were first required to be refuted.
All good things have already been done, all good ones have already been sorted out.
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected president of the United States.
If it is necessary to make a political choice between two bald candidates, American voters will vote for the less bald one.
A real crisis occurs when you are unable to say, "Let's forget all this."
This thing makes sense - but only as long as you don't think about it.
Reality is all that you are able to come to terms with.
Chastity is not enough temptation.
Everything falls apart on the same day.
Money made in your own business will soon be lost in someone else's business.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
A man without a woman is like a neck without a sore.
If you only have one nail, it will bend.
Everyone has their own method in stock that won't work.
Everyone who doesn't work has a method that will definitely work.
The toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
Faith is the deep conviction that you know is wrong.
As soon as you trim your nails, an hour later it turns out that there is a need for them.
The very bag in which the eggs lie will always break.
The shortest distance between two points is a downward spiral.
The main cause of problems is their solution.
It is not harmful to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, consists of other people.
Nothing goes anywhere.
Two nasty things in a row is just the beginning.
The slow moving lane in which you had to brake and stop immediately starts moving as soon as you can barely get out of it.
Nothing ever ends as planned.
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
The sixty-day warranty period firmly guarantees that this product will self-destruct on the sixty-first day.
If it's something good, it will be discontinued soon.
The child does not spill anything on the dirty floor.
Behave as if you are being watched.
A person is always ready to die for an idea, provided that this idea is not entirely clear to him.
When a great person for whom you have deep respect and admiration appears to be deep in thought, he is most likely thinking about dinner.
Any sufficiently advanced modern technology is indistinguishable from a miracle.
The conclusion ripens at that moment of your thinking, when you are already tired of thinking.
The main cause of problems is their solution.
Not only is the universe more strange than we imagine, it is also more strange than we can imagine.
The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.
If I had to live my life again, I would make the same mistakes, but faster.
There is always an easy solution to every human problem — clear, plausible, and wrong.
An article dedicated to errors will definitely contain errors.
The most elementary explanation is that everything, it just doesn't make the slightest sense.
Never say everything you know.
If something bad can happen, it will certainly happen - and at that moment when Mr. Murphy is not at home.
My pessimism goes so far that I even suspect the sincerity of other pessimists.
Chipped dishes never break.
A person sometimes manages to accidentally stumble upon the truth, but most of the time he is engaged in falling, rising and continuing to search.
Reality is nothing more than a collective guess.
People who work while sitting are paid more than people who work while standing.
It is not given to us to find any security either in numbers or in anything else.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
You cannot win all matches unless you win the first one.
The most beautiful goals are scored the moment you jump out of the house to buy a beer.
Any person is able to admit to himself that he acted incorrectly. The real test of character is to admit it to someone else.
The patience of the hosts should never be confused with their hospitality.
To plan your vacation well, you need to spend more time on the Internet than the vacation itself lasts.
Poverty loves company, but the company does not reciprocate.
The richer the menu, the sooner the waiter will approach you in order to take the order.
In matters of religion, it is very easy to mislead humanity and very difficult to lead out of it.
Necessity is the mother of strange friendships and equally strange close relationships.
In relationships with people, the most difficult thing to do is usually the right thing.
No matter how early you come, there will always be someone in front of closed doors who came earlier.
It always takes longer to get there than to get back from there.
When preparing for your vacation trip, bring half as much clothing and twice as much money.
Kissing is a means of placing two people so close to each other that each of them is unable to discern any flaws in the partner.
Mom said there would be days like this, but she never said that there would be so many.
You can make any device work if you spend long enough with it.
Tactics that work in theory don't work in practice.
Exceptions prove the rule - and ruin the budget.
The worse your haircut is, the slower your hair grows back.
The severity of your reaction to the information received is inversely proportional to its accuracy.
One missed opportunity to take a good photo generates the desire to buy two additional camera accessories.
Reality is all that refuses to disappear when you stop believing in it.
A road devoid of obstacles usually leads to nowhere.
1. Anything that is hard when fresh, softens when stale.
2. Everything that is soft when fresh, hardens when not fresh.
If you don't need it and you don't want it, it will always be in bulk.
If you didn't buy it when you saw it for the first time, then it won't be there when you return.
A detailed report on the consumer qualities of the type of product you are interested in will be released a week after you have already made a purchase.
1. The model you purchased will be rated unusable.
2. The model that you abandoned at the last moment will receive the rating "most bought".
After you have sent your last postcard, you receive a congratulation from the person whom you forgotten to miss.
No matter how long or persistently you have been buying a product, you will still find it somewhere on sale immediately after purchasing it, and much cheaper.
Start every day with a smile, that's enough for you.